what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
