I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
