Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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