Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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