My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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