ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
