Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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