No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
