I hate your face
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
