i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
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