What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
