I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
sex in a hospital.. check
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
