I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
