Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize
