God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
