just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
