Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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