Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
