you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Randomize
