you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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