Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
