I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
