You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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