dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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