peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
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