my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
