You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
zippers are such a cool invention
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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