Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
