If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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