Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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