THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
