Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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