Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
