I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
It's blow job season.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
