I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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