Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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