i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
