Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I smell stomach acid.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
