she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
