i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
