When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
