Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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