Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
