Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
