Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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