I will die if light touches me.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
