yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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