dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
