he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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