There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
God, I missed his penis.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
