did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
