Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
