i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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